Picture: Positivity Exhibit: Don Spotts

Written by Sally Lehrman

(Picture: Positivity, an exhibition of photographs, biographies and artist statements can be seen at the Santa Clara County Government Center, 70 W. Hedding, San Jose, now until June 20. The photographs are taken by Santa Clara University students. Here is background information about one of the subjects, and a statement from the student about their photograph on exhibit.)    

Don Spotts

45

Dixon, Ill./San Jose, Calif.

Don Spotts keeps his gaze down and speaks very little. Due to a recent stroke, his words come out in quick, hoarse whispers. But when he describes his dream of helping kids abandoned by their families, his clear brown eyes meet yours. “I lived through it,” he says. “I’m a survivor.”

It is hard work to build a life on your own, Don wants young people to know. It’s not easy to feel so little love from your parents, or to push away the drugs and alcohol that seem to offer relief. In his own life, Don explains, “everyone has let me down.” But Don has passed through struggle and come out the other side. “It gets better,” he says, as if speaking to the children he would like to comfort. ”It gets better.”

Don moved to Sacramento in 1984 as a teenager, nervous about his first plane ride yet hopeful for new opportunities living with his mother. He was relieved to say good-bye to his birthplace, Dixon, Ill., where everyone was broke and his father had a drinking problem.

In Sacramento, Don graduated from Valley High School. But his mother, worried about what she considered “effeminate behavior,”was not very welcoming. “She didn’t want me because I was gay,” he says.  On top of it all, Don found out he had HIV in 1985, and he decided to leave. He got on a Greyhound bus intending to head to San Francisco, but during a layover in San Jose, decided to stay.

Still, he could not shake his memories or his pain. When he was three years old, his older brother had raped him. The attacks had continued for eleven more years. When Don asked for help, his family in Dixon thought he was trying to get attention. “Nobody believed me,” he says matter-of-factly.

Even safely distant in San Jose, the trauma eventually led to a life on the streets. Then one day about 13 years ago, Don made a decision. He went to the PACE Clinic, where he got help transitioning into housing and caring for his health living with both HIV and a genetic heart condition. One day at a time, he changed his life. “I feel better now,” he says, “No more drugs, no more self-destruction.”

Living in his own place now, Don treasures the calm and peace. “No arguments,” he says. “No people fighting.” He practices yoga and meditation, learning to clear his mind and “let it go.”

Seeking a power and safety inside the very body that has lived through so much pain, Don has found his strength. Back in Dixon, he had even come to believe that the sexual abuse was his own fault. “It’s not me. It was them,” he says. “I know that now.”

Photographer’s Statement

Holly McKenna

Don and I did not spend a great deal of time together, but in the little time I had with him, he affected me greatly. He was so generous with the information that he decided to share. I immediately felt he trusted me and this made me feel I could open up as well. After taking some time to understand Don as a person, it really made me appreciate seeing him doing well, even though I felt all odds have been against him.

Don and I both find strength and peace in our meditation and yoga practices, which ended up being the basis of our photography session. We went to his favorite place in San Jose where you can stand in the center of fountains, surrounding yourself with white noise.

Don told me he felt calm and strong when I was taking the pictures, and I feel this is portrayed in my series of photos.

I was excited to take this class and make time again for my lingering interest in photography. As a public health major, I was especially pleased to find out about this project. Last year, I learned about HIV/AIDS in the Bay Area in my first public health class and I immediately started thinking of ways I would like to help change the situation. This immediate desire fizzled as my studies became harder and I didn’t have time to think about it anymore. This project revived my concern, and I’m glad to be a part of it.

Spending a few hours with Don made me realize that no matter how low you have felt in life, there is always hope for change if you tap into your inner strength. I think my photography skills have grown from this novel experience and I hope to continue my photography career in this direction.

Holly McKenna contributed as co-interviewer. Picture: Positivity is a project of Santa Clara University.