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Things we wish we knew before kids.

We all wish we had done things a little differently as parents. Maybe some of us would have not stressed so much about certain things and instead focused on others. Or maybe you wish you hadn’t bothered buying that all important item of baby gear that ended up getting used for like a week.

So, we wonder: If “Present You” could give a few words of wisdom and advice to “Past You”, what would it be?

Bethany:

1. Don’t beat yourself up so much about nursing. - I had difficulty nursing both babies, and both times I blamed myself. I stressed every waking moment. The worries even invaded my dreams. It was very hard for me to let go of it all, but when I finally did I felt so much better. After all, I did my best. That’s all any of us can do. My kids are both healthy and didn’t suffer because of it. All is well.

2. Write down not only the big milestones (walking, first word, etc) but also the cute little everyday things they do and say. - I wish I had kept a journal of all the funny moments, silly things kids say and do, and sweet moments. Like the way Claire used to say “Mama!” super loud, but would whisper “Papa” as if it was a secret between them. Or how it’s impossible for Joey to smile with his mouth closed. He smiles open-mouthed with his whole face every time.

3. Make more time for yourself. - This one was difficult for me to learn, but once I did it was amazing how much of a difference it made. It is so important to take a break from being Mom, wife, etc and just be me. It can be little things here and there like taking a long shower without anyone knocking on the door, or it can be bigger like a night out. Either way, when I get some “me time” once in a while, I come back a better Mom and wife because of it.

4. Join a Mom’s group, play group, anything! - After my daughter was born, my friends either had older kids or they had no kids, so I had no support. As a Mom, it can be lonely and the days can feel long and stressful without the support of other Moms in the same boat. After I joined a play group, I had friends who knew what I was going though and were there to support me and give advice. Also, my kids benefit from being around other kids in their age group and have thrived because of it.

Nicole:

1. Patience is a virtue - You've heard this old adage a million times, but never has it rung more true than when parenting. Of course it's easier said than done, but in my personal experience, when I freak out, she freaks out. It makes things so much more difficult when I lose my cool, and it starts from infancy. My daughter was very colicky and when I started to stress out, it amazed me how she picked up on that. And now in toddler-hood when I stress out she gets more and more angry. So as the old saying goes, keep your cool and you'll be amazed!

2. Pick your battles - So my daughter wants to play with a toy that I may not want to listen to...but is it going to harm me or her? Nope. So why fight it? Letting her play with something that I may not necessarily want her to at the moment is not a battle that needs to occur. If she wants to play with the kitchen knives, now that's a battle I will fight. You have to pick your battles carefully because you don't want to be fighting about everything.

3. Let people help you - As a mother, you feel like the whole responsibility of the well being of your child rests on your shoulders. No one can do it better than you, right? Well, it's true that no one can be a better parent for your child than you but sometimes you need a break! If someone offers to take your baby off your hands, for goodness sake, let them! If you need a break, don't hesitate to ask! The people in your life will understand and will gladly take over if it's for an hour or overnight! All you have to do is ask!

4. Don't stick to your guns - Ok for the most part you probably should. But there are times where flexibility is key. This weekend I went on vacation for the family and while my kids are in a pretty regular sleeping schedule, when we went on vacation I knew naps would be in car seats, bedtimes would be different and there will be an abundance of activity. And that's totally ok! Sometimes you just have to roll with the punches and do things you don't normally do, it'll make your life a lot less chaotic if you just go with it!

Rachael:

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1. You will not be perfect - There is no such thing as the “perfect parent”, I don’t care who’s told you what or what books or magazines you’ve read. EVERYONE makes mistakes.  I will never forget November 19th, 2011. This was the night that I took my daughter to Ikea when I was supposed to be taking her to see Yo Gabba Gabba in San Jose.  I had been awarded free VIP tickets and passes to meet the characters back stage. I had told her just the day before that she was going to get to meet her favorite characters at 4:00 tomorrow. I got the dates wrong. I didn’t even realize what had happened until an hour before we were supposed to be at HP Pavilion. I got online to make sure I knew where we were supposed to go, and realized that the show took place the night before. I still can’t relay this story without crying. I was beside myself. I called Bethany sobbing and drowning in the Endless Sea of Parental Guilt. I don’t know what I expected her to say, but I needed someone to tell me I wasn’t a complete and total horrible excuse for a mother.

Long story short - I am not the first parent who has ever done something like this - and neither are you. And although it will be like a knife in my heart until the day I die, I am NOT the worst mother in the world because I got the dates wrong. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll never forgive myself for it, but the fact is, you’re going to mess up every now and then, so you’d better get used to it. But, as long as you’re really, truly trying, and you love your kid(s), that’s all that will ever really matter.

2. Say “Goodbye” to your clean , organized car (and house) - Seriously. Since having my daughter, I have offered up my apologies to (metaphorically) groveled at the feet of every mother past and present that I ever judged based solely on the state of their car. My once clean and organized car would now probably qualify as a bio hazard in at least 13 States. I try to keep it clean, really I do... I keep a makeshift trash bag in the front, I get the car detailed on a fairly regular basis, but nothing withstands The Toddler. It’s just time to face the facts; unless you have help or are extremely anal retentive, once you have a baby your car will never be truly clean again. At least not for any longer than two days. Same goes for the house. I used to get irritated to no end watching ‘Everybody Loves Raymond’ because of the amount of toys that were piled up in the living room of Ray and Deborah; in the living room, on the floor, on the stairs, they were EVERYWHERE and it used to Drive. Me. IN-SANE. I swore my house would never look like that! Well, guess what folks... yeah, that’s right... say it with me now, “I’m sorry, Deborah.”  Don’t beat yourself up. A messy house with a happy kid indicates that your priorities are right where they should be. You have the rest of your life to clean, but your kids are only babies, toddlers and teenagers once.

3. You are NOT alone - I realize Bethany has already covered this topic, but I just want to throw my two cents in here. She’s right. Motherhood, especially the first time around, can be extremely isolating and lonely. I had just gone from NYC party girl to married and pregnant in under a year when we moved to California. My husband and I had just married the month before we relocated when I got pregnant, and I didn’t know a soul in my part of California. I was so lonely and felt so isolated throughout my pregnancy and as a new mother, that it made things extremely difficult. Finding a mom’s group was the best thing that could have happened to me. Just having somewhere to go or something to do can make all the difference in your attitude and your outlook. Not to mention the rare opportunity there to make friends with people who are in your same situation. If you haven’t found a group yet, keep looking. Don’t be afraid to put yourself out, you might be surprised at how much you get back.

4. Don’t blink. - I know that’s impossible, but honestly, try. It feels like just yesterday that my little baby was exactly that. It’s so amazing to watch your baby turn into an actual person. Then, one day, I look up and she’s speaking in full sentences, and has opinions about things. Suddenly, she’s THREE and now, I completely understand why my mother used to cry every year on my birthday. It’s an acknowledgement of the baby that you held, the child she’s become and for the adult that she someday will be. Try not to take too many moments for granted. There will be times where she drives you to the brink of insanity, but try to learn to laugh at the stuff that really isn’t all that serious. You’ll miss them when they’re gone.

We’ve all said, “If I only knew then what I know now...” Well, so what if you had? Would you really have done things differently? Maybe, maybe not. We’re all just doing the best we can with what we’ve got.

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