Are We Raising Brats?

All three of us have daughters and all three of us want our girls to grow up with self-confidence and be assertive, strong women one day. But, in raising our kids to be successful adults and maybe even the future leaders of our community, are we instead teaching them that they are entitled to be it all and have it all? Maybe even be (gasp) a little bratty?

Nicole:

One of the things that I have tried to instill in my daughter (and will in my son when he’s old enough) is a sense of respect. Manners are so important to me and I’m pretty hardcore about it. Along with that is listening. Obviously she’s only 2 so listening is not her favorite thing to do, but I’m trying to explain to her every day that she needs to listen to not only mommy and daddy but other adults in her life. When I say “right now” I mean, RIGHT NOW.

My daughter tends to have the habit of picking things up that I say and saying them back to me. And this can really backfire on me. When I think I’m saying something that is strong and definite, it then comes out of my daughters mouth horrible and bratty.

The other day she asked me for a snack and I told her no, she looked at me stomped her feet on the ground and said “I WANT A SNACK RIGHT NOW”. Ummm, excuse me? Who does this think she is? But I know where she heard “right now” from. That came out of my mouth 20 minutes before when I asked her for a toy several times and she didn’t want to give it to me, so I told her “you need to give it to me RIGHT NOW.” Oh boy.

Patience, patience and toddlerance (ha, you like my little pun?) is what you need in these situations. If I get mad and yell at her, what does that teach her? To get mad and yell back. And while some situations call for a stern talking to a raising of my voice, when my daughter is parroting me, this is not one of them.

Frustration also occurs in these situations. All I’m trying to do is to teach my child to listen to me and understand when mommy says something she has to do it. And it somehow backfires on me. Maybe one of these days I’ll get this parenting thing right, but more than likely it’s gonna be like this forever!

Rachael:

In my family we were raised that what Mom and/or Dad said, goes. We weren’t allowed to talk back or to be disrespectful to our parents or elders. If my dad said that we had to do something, there was no reasoning, there was only, “because I said so.”   While I didn’t like that as a child, I have come to feel that perhaps that’s the best tactic to employ.

Because my daughter is very verbal, I often find myself engaging in discourse with her that you wouldn’t normally have with a 3 year old. While it’s actually rather enjoyable to be able to have an actual conversation with her, it also poses a pitfall; too much talking.  

When I ask her to do something she’ll ask, “why?” and I used to give her an explanation. Then she started telling me why she couldn’t or wouldn’t do what I asked. That’s not the reaction I want! But, because I was treating her as a peer (more or less), she was reacting as one. As much as I want my daughter to feel validated, and that her wants and desires are important, the fact is I’m the parent. I tell her things for a reason and I ask her to listen and obey for her safety and mine. If there is ever an emergency and I give her an instruction, the last thing I need is for her to sit there giving me a dissertation on why she can’t do what I tell her.

There are other reasons why I think the “because I said so” method is superior to the “talk it out” method; first, it teaches respect. Second, it teaches patience, and third it shows that while their feelings and voices are valid and important, they do not always come first. I think that establishing this form of “family hierarchy” is actually very helpful in ensuring that our children understand that the wants and needs of others are just as important (sometimes more so) as their own.  

If we constantly cater to every whim of our children, we are teaching them that that is the way of the world, because we are the only example of “real life” that they have to refer to. Of course, like every parent, I give in now and then. After all, raising children is all about picking your battles. I’m hoping that as long as I show my daughter that I hear what she’s saying, and acknowledge her feelings that she won’t feel like she’s being picked on or ignored, and that slowly she’ll start learning respect and patience.

Bethany:

I was raised to be opinionated and speak for myself, and I want to teach my daughter (and my son) this as well. It’s so important to learn to speak up when you believe something isn’t right, to stand up for yourself and others, and to really fight for what you believe in.

This being said, it’s also difficult to separate these feelings out when it involves my kids. My “Mama Bear” side wants to take over and crush those who dare to treat my kids badly or stand in their way. (Ok, that’s a little dramatic, but you get the point.)

For example, my daughter has always been on the small side, she can be shy, and she has worn glasses since the age of 13 months. This combination has made for quite the target on her back on the playground and around the “big kids.”

I always worry about her getting made fun of or pushed around (both of which have happened many times). So, I have taught her from an early age that she is allowed to say “No” to other kids when they say mean things or push her. She used to just get really sad and let it hurt her feelings, but then one day she found her voice. I was so proud of her for standing up to a kid twice her age (and three times her size!) when she got her bucket stolen right out of her hand at the playground one day. Then, a few months later, it happened. Her best friend wanted to hold her hand and she didn’t feel like it at the moment. So, she said “No!” and pushed her to the ground. I was so embarrassed. In an instant, my little sweetie had become a bully.

We had many talks about how to handle situations you don’t like. After all these talks, and a little trial and error, she seemed to finally get it. She still slips up now and then, but she is 3 after all. She’ll find the balance between what’s assertive and what’s just mean. It’s going to take practice and lots more talking, but we’ll get there. Hopefully...

It’s a tricky subject for sure. We all want our kids to be the best and even to have the best, but to what end? We have to remember that our kids learn not only what we want them to learn, but they also pick up on our behavior and actions. When we swoop in to rescue them, or insist that they make the team, or argue with teachers over what grade we think they deserve we can sometimes do them a disservice.

Sure, it’s our job to make sure our kids do well, but we need to also let them learn to navigate this world themselves at some point. It is a necessary life skill that will help them now and for the rest of their lives. So, as difficult as it is, remember to step back and let them do some things for themselves, fight some of their own battles, and they will be stronger because of it.

What do you think? We’d love to hear from you in the comments below!

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